we have pet lesbian snakes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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