You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
