I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
