she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
