I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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