hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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