I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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