He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
