Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
