Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize