Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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