I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
