ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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