I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
