don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize