why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
