I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
