the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Drake has all the answers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize