the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Text me some of your sweat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
