Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
