Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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