There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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