I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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