I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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