Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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