I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
