butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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