no, he came in my armpit
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize