I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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