if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
