those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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