You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
