screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
