Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
