remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So much rum. So many feels.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
