Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
