Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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