Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
