i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
