my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
