I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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