dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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