She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
