So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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