i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize