Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
