I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
