My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
