dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
