dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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