I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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