Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize