I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
