I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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