I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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