we have pet lesbian snakes
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
