I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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