my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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