the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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