not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
