New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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