I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
