Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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