I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
