Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were destined to go to rehab together
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
