Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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