just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
