I just threw up on my dentist
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
