Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize